how the west was won

there is an ever present calm in the air. it is peaceful and warm and inviting and sweet and soothing and joyous. sure, i don't have a job, the dentist is going to have a field day in my mouth, and my sinus issue is still eating away at my energy, but i am at last at peace. i have not been able to say that in a very long time. dealing with the depths of despair these last two years is a time i do not wish to experience ever again. but i understand it is likely that depression may rear its ugly head again one day, yet i am now confident that i will be better equipped to handle the onslaught of sad.

again, though i feel at peace here and now i know how easy it is to fall back again into my never ending nap cycle and overwhelming sense of worthlessness and defeat. i must prevent at all costs that encroaching feeling of despair. it has taken months to recover and i do not intend to let those hard fought months go to waste.

and yet, i am not sure what is going to happen in the next couple of months ahead and i am genuinely content in knowing that, in fact, i don't know. i only know they will be more like sunshine instead of dwelling in a den of demons.

we have plans being tossed about and money talk and quality of life talk and making dreams come true talk, but its all going to happen the way it is meant to...and it is sort of exciting not to know.

i am sitting at my desk peeling off my black nail polish, I think it is time to go back to something bright to reflect the state of my soul.

Wow, that was unsolicited lame ass joke.

i had written here before that I had a new phase and a new me and a new plan blah, blah, blah, I think that was a superficial attempt to get out my current state of black. this is more for real. one step at a time, no plans yet, just being. i am notorious for superficially getting ahead of myself, because like most, I prefer happy� action to bleak.�

someone once told me,� its good to be down with your face in the dirt for awhile to sort things out after you have made mistakes, dealing with depression, etc, etc,. i think that is very true. i needed time in the dirt and i was attempting to grow flowers without any water or sunshine.

thank you for hanging in there with me while my face was in the dirt. i am beginning to prepare the dirt for flowers with water and sunshine.

Faithsalutes the unknown winter.�